Assalamu Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh,
I LOOK at my palms, spread my fingers and flip them. I turn them over again. Nothing. My hands look as empty as they feel. Oh God! The Hijri year just left us and I felt the same, and now 2016 blipping off the radar, underscoring the same hollow feeling. All my thoughts and all my resolutions of bettering myself, doing this and that, climbing up the Path … slipping through my fingers like proverbial sand.
I cover my face in shame, and a sigh catches in my throat, thinking of how many times I had done the same … setting up targets and hitting not even a quarter of them. I didn’t have the time, I didn’t have the energy, I had other more important things to do, I lacked motivation and no one pushed me … the excuse-list goes on and on, justification of my disinclination to try harder and climb the steeper path.
Yes, it is a steep path to climb, the road to Jannah. Putting one foot after the other, huffing and puffing, slipping and sliding. It takes grit and determination to keep on going. I lack that, oh, how I lack that. I am so sorry Allah, I am so sorry. Sobs rack my frame, shame fills my heart, and tears fill my hands. My hands are no longer empty. Tears of remorse … so beloved to Allah. Alhamdulillah, for giving them to me, Alhamdulillah, for letting me feel regret. Alhamdulillah for letting me talk to You. O Allah, I don’t have the strength to scramble up, I get distracted by scents, sounds, and sights on the way, I lose my footing again and again, I make a mockery of what You want me to do. But please, I beg You, if I do any of those things, please grip my hands in Your strong clasp and pull me up to You. I can’t do it on my own, Allah, please hold my hands.